I Cry A Lot

Actual reasons that I have cried:

  • I was told I couldn’t eat peanut butter
  • I wanted to see fireworks
  • I listened to Les Miserables
  • I told someone about something sweet I read about (this actually happens all the time, I don’t feel emotional at all reading it and then I describe it to someone else and bam!)
  • I listened to Hamilton
  • I realized someone had spilled some of the soil from my aloe plant
  • I felt sad for no discernible reason
  • I felt angry for no discernible reason
  • I saw a cute commercial
  • I listened to Rent
  • I thought about Rent
  • I thought about Jonathan Larson

Those times were just mostly when I was tired, stressed, and crying for silly reasons, but I also cry a lot from legitimately upsetting emotions-- just at a lot more frequent rate than the average person. Crying is my body’s natural response to whenever I have a lot of virtually any emotion, whether that be sadness, anger, frustration, or fear. And oh boy am I emotional. When I’m tired the smallest little thing will set me off, and even when I’m fully rested it’s not that difficult to really get to me. As soon as I’m affected by anything, the pressure wells up behind my eyes and they start to water.

I've gotten pretty good at holding them back, but if whatever’s upsetting me continues, it’s no use-- those tears are going to leak out of my face no matter what I do. I would guess that I cry (defined as at least one tear leaking out) on average once a week, more if I’m very busy and stressed.

I have strong feelings about crying (surprise, surprise). I always hated it growing up. I seriously ugly cry, it makes me all red and snotty and worn out. But mostly, I hated it because of other people’s reactions. I did not, repeat, hard stop, did not want attention for crying. Crying as much as I did meant you were a serious drama queen who was just being over-sensitive. Yes, I was being over-sensitive, but believe me, I don’t want to be any more than you want me to be.
People get weird when you cry. Mostly, they feel like they have to do something. Crying is an international sign for “I need help,” so people always feel like they need to comfort you and make you stop crying.

It took me a long time to realize this, but most of the time when I cry, I don’t want people to make me stop-- I want them to leave me alone so I can get through it. Sometimes it’s nothing and I just need a minute to pull myself together. Sometimes I am genuinely upset and need a little while to get over it. But, to my surprise, I realized that I don’t actually dislike crying. When I’m really upset, I would much rather curl up in bed for twenty minutes and cry it out, and then read a book or watch tv until I cheer up. It’s the fact that everyone think I’m in a crisis and need help all the time that bothers me so much. I’m a capable, intelligent, independent person-- the fact that water leaks out of my face at an above-average rate does not change that. If I need help, I promise I’ll ask for it-- until then, I’ll watch some Buffy the Vampire Slayer until I remember I don’t need to be crying in the first place